Living With Anxiety

2014 has been and is still one of the hardest and most challenging years of my life and I feel like I need to write about it otherwise I'll just keep it bottled up until I explode. The main thing that has made this year so difficult is the fact that my anxiety has come back. I guess I'll start from the beginning...

I've always had severe anxiety, but I've found it has come in bursts throughout my life. When I was a really young child, I had separation anxiety from my mum, so even if she'd go into the next room, I would just cry and cry until she came back. This followed on until I started school when I was 5. Mum would take me to school and try to drop me off but I would just cry and say, "don't leave me". I eventually got over this in third grade when I was 8. My teacher would give me a sticker in my special book if I didn't cry when mum left in the morning. Eventually my book was full of beautiful stickers. For the rest of my primary school years, my anxiety seemed to have vanished completely. In my last year of Primary school, I was feeling on top of the world and was coming out of my shell and becoming who I felt like I was meant to be. I was Performing Arts Captain, had leads in the school musicals, and was just all around happy. 

Here comes the next burst. Grade 9, my second year of high school. I started going out with this boy who just got me. He really did. I honestly thought I was 'in love' or as much as you can be at 13 years old. My friends used to tease us though, they didn't like him and they didn't like that we were together so one day I went to our usual spot to have lunch and all of my friends were gone. Just like that. Then the anxiety just randomly came back again one morning at Volleyball practice. I just got this panicky feeling and felt like I needed to go home, but the thing is, the feeling never went away. Ever. I couldn't eat anything and eventually couldn't even leave my own house. I was down to 38 kilograms and had panic attacks if I stepped outside my front door. My family tried everything from normal psychologists to a hypnotist but nothing worked, so my mum took me to the GP to start me on medication. I switched high schools to the one where my mum worked and completely started over. I didn't really have any friends or anything, but I finally felt like I was getting somewhere. Then I made friends who had the same interests as me and then my life completely changed. Again, by my last year of high school, I was Cultural Captain, Choir Captain and I literally felt like I could do anything. Again, it was like my anxiety had vanished. Of course, I never went off my pills because I never wanted to feel like I did before ever again, but it was working, and I was happy.

The most recent burst happened around the middle of this year. Everything was fine until all of a sudden it wasn't. I'd been on my pills for over 6 years and it was like I became immune to them or something because my anxiety came back full force, with absolutely no reasoning behind it. Everything else in my life was perfect. So here I am now, in December, still struggling to find a new medication that works and I feel like I'm just a huge mess right now. I have an amazing job, but some days I just can't even go and I feel like I'm letting so many people down and there's nothing I can do about it. Some days I can push through the panic and get through the day, but others, like today (hence the blog post) I just feel like I can't. I can't do it and I just cry and cry and cry until there are no tears left. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm at a really tough point in my life right now and I want everyone to know that mental illness is a thing. And it sucks. And it affects so many people. If you're feeling anxious and have gone through anything at all similar to my experiences, just know that you're not alone and we can get through this. I've done it before, twice, and I'll do it again. It just takes time, patience and a good support system to get you through it. I don't know what I would have done this year if it weren't for my partner and my best friend, Britney. I honestly don't. 

I hope this gives you an insight into my life, and how I've had to live with anxiety and I hope you can take something out of this. WE CAN DO THIS. 

April <3